Its a new experience every time

Baby J is not the easiest kid to go shopping with in any kind of store from clothing to food. I don’t think any toddler is capable to be an easy shopping companion and if they are, you better get that kid checked out. I certainly don’t remember the last time I went shopping and was actually able to look at what I put in my cart.

So this evening after a big struggle with getting a few bites of pizza into the kids’ tummy and washing it down with my soda, I decided to take him to the supermarket to pick up some necessities. You know, milk, bread and some chocolate. I typically go after he goes to bed so I can take my time and read some labels. However, since the husband is snowboarding somewhere in the state of Massachusetts for a few days the rest of the family has to fend for themselves. I do have to admit, J is not that terrible if I go quickly and I let him push the cart instead of confining him to it. He calls it a ‘push’. Everytime he sees a cart he runs over to it and chants ‘push push push’ until I let him or drag him away kicking and screaming like I was tearing him away from Elmo.

So we walk into the Super Stop and Shop with our chosen cart being pushed by both of us. I plan out a route that would take us down the aisles that were necessary and as quickly as possible. He did really great. Helped me push the cart, did some shopping for me. He thought we needed fabric softener and some mouse traps. He even started to clean the floors with a broom he found. One of the employees offered him a job.

We go down an aisle to get his overnight diapers which we ran out of today and were in desperate need of. I hate changing his sheets and anyone who has changed the sheets on a crib mattress can understand. In the same aisle is the housewares so on the way to the diapers, he finds something that he thought was a hat. You have to understand, if it looks like it can fit on your head, it’s a hat. So he is trailing behind me and I am watching him put this black, odd thing on his head and trying to balance it there. Holding his hands out as it was gently placed and him rolling his eyes up so high as if he can see it there. It was the bottom to a plunger. I just couldn’t stop laughing and neither could the other lady in the aisle pretending not to see the sillyness.

The rest of the shopping experience was filled with pointing out colors which most of his exclamations where wrong and J pointing to me and making sure that everyone in the store knew I was his mommy. At checkout I hand my keys to the cashier and trap J in the little aisle while I unload the cart. So he grabs a bunch of new things for me to purchase and sneaks them onto the belt. A few I was able to catch and put away before they were scanned, thank god. I mean, what am I going to do with rubber bands or pepper spray. As I finish and pay I am struggling with him as he is starting to really get antsy and acting out. He starts to toss the candy bars on the ground and I manage to get all but one of them. As we are walking out I see him handing me a wrapper as he states ‘Hold dis’. As I am trying to figure out what he has he starts to eat it. Its one of those candy bars with the mini M&M’s in it. Its was 8:20 pm and bedtime was less than an hour away. He was covered in chocolate before I can get near him. In an attempt to get him to eat less of it and without taking it away completely creating a scene displaying what can actually happen when you do take candy away from a child I ask him for a bite. I take the biggest bite I could possibly have taken. I am chewing and thinking that it would be really yummy and chocolatey, I taste one flavor that I dispise. I grab the wrapper that was handed to me and I look at it carefully. It was made with PEANUT BUTTER M&M’s!!!!! Baby J hasn’t eaten peanut butter or peanuts yet. I am alone and would never try a new food. What if he has a reaction? What if he is highly allergic and I can’t get him to the hospital in time (its 2 minutes down the road)? Then I just gave up and said to myself, ‘well, he has had half of it already, I might as well let him have the whole darned thing!’

I love HGTV

“For my birthday, I want a table saw. You know how much I could do with a table saw?”
“Uhhh, table saws scare me!”
“Yea but not if you know how to use it. I think I know how to use it.”
“You're so butch!”

Plumbing anyone?

Did you know that every house tells a story. Some tell you about the lives of great people growing up or the inspiration to a book or a painting.

We were talking about a friend of mine who’s house has such a great story. Well, in a designer’s eye, it’s a great story. How he got a craftsman to do a perfect pattern stain on the beautiful hardwood floors and how it took over a month to do. How the process of the flooring in the bathroom and kitchen was done with acid and other materials. The tiles were imported and saved from a temple in Israel. How it took over 2 months to put in a fiber optic lit ceiling in his sons nursery room before he was born. All complete with shooting stars and glimmering moons. I do have to admit, their house is just stunning.

My house, well it tells a different story. I can walk through the house and tell you things like (in chronological order) ‘this is the dining room that had more water damage than the Titanic under the drop ceiling’ and ‘this is the bathroom I had to redo because the plumbing was done incorrectly before we moved in and caused a flood in the basement’ and ‘this is the basement where my landscaper left the hose on in the window well and flooded the basement (again)’ and ‘this is where the plumber soldered the pipe and started the fire’ and ‘this is where the fire burned through the walls for 3 hours before we even knew we had a fire’ and ‘this is the original sewer line from the ‘40s. Can’t you tell, its cast iron and it broke off and fell to the ground and flooded our basement a year after we restored the house from the fire and now my basement is all poopie’

I officially declare that we had bought a money pit. My next house is not going to have any plumbing. We will use a well and an outhouse. I think we will be safe then, don’t you think?

What NOT to listen to when your child is in the car

Being a stay at home mom I have been restricted from many things that were in my non-baby life. For one is radio and everything for my listening pleasure. Yes, for the past 2 years I have been listening to and singing songs at he top of my lungs like ‘The Wheels on the Bus’ and ‘The Itsy Bitsy Spider’. Every now and again I tune into my regular hard rock station and catch up on some of the music of today.

Yesterday was the Premier of Howard Stern on Sirius radio. It was very exciting for me for many reasons. I like him. He can now be uncensored and say what’s really on his mind. I do admit I do not like everything he says, but he didn’t get where he is without stirring some pots on the way. He IS the King of All Media and I want to be a part of that.

So yesterday while J and I were on our way to a gym class, I tried to catch some of his show on the radio. For our 10 minute ride my child was exposed to a world of adult conversation (well, if you can say Howards show is ‘adult’) instead of his typical happy music. Today I had to pry my baby boy away from the TV during the skit where cookie monster reveals the letter of the day. The whole way to and into the car J kept yelling for his Elmo and Big Bird and any of the characters he thought might save him from the confines of his safety seat and a ride from hell to a class that he forgets that he loves. I had left the channel on from the day before and was happy that I got another chance to get a glimpse of the show. We were on our merry way and I am listening to Howard while J was pointing out all the trees and buses that we passed.

Howard was playing music clips that they couldn’t play on terrestrial radio. So suddenly the beginnings of the song ‘C is for Cookie’ comes on and I was so intrigued and for a moment forgot where my place was and the song continues. ‘C is for Cu-uuunt, that’s good enough for me! C is for …’ Well, you get the point. In just a matter of seconds I just wanted to burst out laughing and what a horrible parody it was. I mean, I know his show is crass and raunchy, but this was over the top. Taking a child’s song and just replacing a single word. C’mon, I thought they had more talent than that. It turns out that Howard felt the same way and made fun of the creator saying that they only made that parody just because they could air the word.

In this very moment I remember where I am and I look back and my innocent little boy who’s ears have been defiled. He looked just as surprised as me and I actually think I heard him say the word. OH MY GOD! Did my child just say that word? He did and he smiles. So in a split second I start to sing the song as it was meant to be sung in hopes I can rid the word from his file book in that very busy brain of his. Hoping that me correcting it would make the little people in there say ‘wait, that wasn’t a new word, we just heard it wrong!’

The most important word in our vocabulary

Baby J has finally discovered what the meaning of the word ‘no’ is. So lately
The answer to every question is the notable ‘NO!’. Do you want to eat lunch? “NO!” Do you want to pee-pee on the potty? “NO!” Do you want to go take a nap? “NO!” Do you want me to change you really smelly, nasty, diaper rash causing diaper? “NO!, NO!, NO!”

The ABC’s are only recited with daddy. When mommy tries to do them with him the only letters out of his mouth are N and O put together to make the word… “NO!”

“J, is this bus Red?”
“No!”
“Is this bus Blue?”
“No!”
“Is this bus Yellow?”
“NO!, NO!, NO!”

For Hanukah J got a cool shape-sorting toy from Discovery Toys. It’s nice and simple. I caught him playing with it one morning while he was supposed to be watching his daily Elmo fix and as he would take each shape he would run it over the openings and if the shape didn’t fit, he would shake his head and say “NO!”

When he has pancakes or one of those pancakes I make that has all sorts of yummy stuff in it like grated carrots or squash, he will put his hand over it as if it were emanating a life force and say in the most curious way, “Hot?” A short pause as he concentrates on his ever consequential question. Then a sudden outburst in the cutest little voice that simply says “No.” He then dunks his pancake in a sea of syrup and displays the biggest grin and says “Yummy!”

I might be a dork…

...but not dorky enough to wear anything like this sweater.

Now I thought that since I don't celebrate Christmas and I am not too fond of the winter, I would be free from these horrid things that no one with even a half a brain would wear in public. Nope. I had a friend point it out to me that I just had to have it. She either doesnt like me or wears it herself. And if it is the latter, I will just pretend that I don't know her anymore.

In reference to my New Years’ post

“What about us do you think pegs us as dorks?”
“Lots of things, I cant list all of them.”