Wednesday, March 8, 2006

My last post?

Out of nowhere I am told I have to go. I am part of some gang that no matter what my life is about, I have to do what I am told or there are consequences. I drop everything and pack a small bag. My mind is running in a thousand directions and I am trying to figure out how I want to leave things. Do I write a note or do I say what I feel out loud. Do I not say anything and just let life move on without me because I know I will not be back. I will never see my room and my home and all the ones I love again. I have a gut feeling that the sun beating on my golden red hair would be the last that I would ever feel. I am scared. I am petrified. I am weak.

The last thing I do is I go to my son’s bedroom and watch him sleep. How peaceful he looks. He lets out a big sigh. My absolute favorite sound in the world. He has a whole life ahead of him and this is the last day he will know with me in it, I think to myself. Will he remember me? Will he know how much and how deep I feel for him? Will someone tell him all the sacrifices I have and would do for him? I rub his soft and adorable cheek. It’s warm and full of life. I want to run from my fate and take him with me. My heart drops as deep as it possibly could be.

I run to the front lawn and scream out loud to the ones waiting for me.
“I don’t want to go!”
“I WILL NOT GO!”
“You just don’t understand!”
“I cant, I love him too much!”
“You just can’t understand!”
“Your not a mother!”

Someone comes out of the house with a large serving platter of pink and white cookies and says “We know, that’s why you are not going.”

Then I wake up.

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