Mr. & Mrs. Dork Bring in the New Year

I have to admit, I think that we are the biggest dorks out there. The only bottle of liquor in the house is an ingredient in my mothers’ sweet potato pie recipe which both have been passed down to me. Our idea of a great night out is dinner at Chili’s and a movie. We put T-Shirts on our child that say things like ‘I TCP/IP but mostly IP’ and ‘Newbie’ and plan on making him watch the whole Star Wars series and then quiz him to make sure he was paying attention by the time he is 5.


What are your plans for New Years? Would like to know what these dorks are doing? We have made plans with a bunch of our friends and we are going to eat dinner at a small local Mexican place at 6:30. After dinner we will be coming back to our place and play with Baby J till bedtime at 9. Then all the festivities will begin. We will whip out the bags of chip, dip and snacks. Crack open the cans of diet coke and start partying. First we will play some Mario Party 7, then when we get tired of playing that and realize that half of our company is bored as a doorknob we will play Taboo, then Shout About Movies, then stop at 11:57 to watch the ball drop, kiss and cheer and then we will whip out one of the 10 something versions of Triva and play that till we are ready to pass out. We will go to bed, wake up and be pissed that nothing is opened and there is nothing to do. I guess you can say we would be lucky that we wont have a hangover, right?

What is the sad thing about all of this, R felt the need that we should send out an Evite for this very exciting evening.

False alarm

Last night before I went to bed I went to check on Baby J as I always do. I went to look at the dead snail and make sure the other fish weren't nibbling on him. There he was, slithering away on the gravel all happy. What happened? He decided to go into hybernation? Is he a deep sleeper? He was dead, we would swear on it. Now I worry that the other one wasn't really dead and is probably crawling around my bathroom. One day I may hear a crunch during my trip to my midnight pee break.

Escargo, anyone?

Today we seem to have had our very first casualty that we are going to have to disguise from our little man that thinks he is the center of the universe. You see, we have a 6 gallon fish tank in his room and we look at it every morning, nap and bedtime. A few weeks ago we added 2 snails to the mix and ever since, every morning, afternoon and night he throws his arms up at you, looks like he is asking for the very last thing he will ever ask and yells out ‘nays’ over and over. If you don’t pick him up the asking becomes a whine and the word gets dragged on as ‘nayeees’ and his arms start whipping up and up and up.

A few days ago snail number one had passed onto the next world and it seems like the other was just too lonely to stick with fish and followed his hard shelled friend. We noticed this at bedtime and decided that instead of freaking the kid out for life that his beloved nays was scooped and thrown in the garbage (too big for the toilet) we will get it after I bring him down for breakfast in the morning. Plus, I don’t want to deal with him running to the bathroom garbage can in search of his friend every time we are upstairs.

The scary thing is that we know this kid will look for his little slimy friends in the tank and we think that we will have to replace them. How sad. We are turning into our parents that ran out and got us what they thought were identical fish to the late friends we so loved. Well at least we know that if there is some form of a snail in there he will be happy. He isn’t at that age where he will miss the ones that were there.

Recorded Memories

We take pictures our family members, friends, pets, various wild animals locked up in cages and don’t forget those amazing scenery shots you have to waste a whole roll on. Remember all those pictures and things you have seen through that camera lens? They probably would have been better remembered if you hadn’t been futzing with the apature or shutter speed or anything like that. But the fact you had to record the moment was more important that actually experiencing it in whole.

You brought the film to the store and a week later you got them back and for maybe a month you looked, ohh’ed and ahh’ed and then those wonderful memories were placed in a box somewhere and then forgotten.

Why do we do these things? I have hundreds of pictures in my ‘picture cabinet’ and I rarely take them out. Am I afraid of pulling out a picture of an old boyfriend and wondering if maybe I would have been better off with him? Or get that amazingly deep feeling that I thank every lucky star that that crazy man is out of my life?

It’s strange how now we always have this thing to hold onto and remember, but it seems so hard to actually remember the experience. Maybe if we took the time to sit in the glow of the warm sun and smell the beauty of the blooming flowers, the world would be a different place. Don’t you think?

Is That a Snowman on Your Head or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

Have you ever gotten one of those stackable containers that when they are put together they make a character? We have a little snowman with about 5 teirs on it that was from Mrs. Fields cookies. Yum! Well, my son has found a new use for the second to largest container.

Lost:

It seems like anything that can get away from me, does. I seemed to have misplaced a green sippy cup this evening before bath time filled with juice and water. If you find it, could you please bring it to the lost and found.
Thanks,
Management

‘Tis the Season

The holiday time is supposed to be the best time of the year, right? Why is it that everyone is stressed, bitchy and downright rude? Most people can’t wait for the bottle of champagne to pop to signify the official end of the crazyness and be free for the next 11 months before the cycle starts over again.

I do not celebrate this nutty holiday but I do participate in the nutso things we all do. In America, for the ‘Holidays’ everyone gives and gets gifts and they are pretty much expected. I have mentioned that gifts should be a matter of thought and care. For Hanukah we have changed our ways to match the 98% rest of the country’s ways. We give and receive gifts. The only thing we lack is the tree, the caroling, although we do have some of our own crazy songs, and the lights on the house.

What does bother me is that so many of those who do celebrate Christmas, you know the holiday with the word ‘Christ’, don’t even know why they do some of the things they do. Like: What is the significance of the Christmas tree? Why do you put lights on your house trying to beat out your neighbors attempt to make it seem like daylight? Why do you exchange gifts? Why do you leave out cookies for Santa? And what is the significance of Santa? Funny how I know the answer to most of these questions.

Now suddenly everyone gets their panties in a twitch about the PC thing to do/say for the ‘Holidays’. Yes, I used to be one of those, but I think it was because I was surrounded by a whole state of ignorant idiots that just wanted to burn the Jews. Asking questions like ‘how can you not believe in Jesus?’ and ‘What is a Jew? A bad cold?’. (Laurel, remember those days?) Seriously, there are people out there that have said these things to me. So now everything is supposed to be ‘Happy Holidays’ which is nice to hear when I live in probably the most Jewish populated area in all of the states. But to go as far as calling a Christmas Tree a Holiday Tree? C’mon! It’s a Christmas Tree. I’m not the stupid one going out every year cutting down a perfectly healthy 3 year old tree just to display it in my home for a few weeks and then toss it out on the street as soon as some figment of my imagination brings me presents. I celebrate the festival of lights. I celebrate 8 days of light when there was not supposed to be more than enough for one. I spin dreidels and eat potato latkas. And what do I get on Christmas? Bubkus! I get all the stores closed and nowhere to get a carton of milk. Well, maybe at the 7-11. You want to know what all us Jews do on your holidays? (Sandi, this is for you) We go to the movies and sneak into as many as we can on one ticket until they throw us out and then go eat Chinese food. I have been doing that since I can remember. I do think its great that there are people out there trying to include me. Wonderful, I am part of something for once. But don’t expect me to put lights on my house and kill a perfectly good tree because everyone else does it. You wish me a Happy Holiday, and I will do the same. You wish me a Merry Christmas, I will wish you a Happy Holiday.

I Have Got to Be Crazy. There is No Other Explanation.

We have had a pretty busy day here. This morning R called when he left for work asking about the train strike. I spent the last hour of my morning rest watching TV looking for news on the strike. Nothing. Then J and I had class and we had lots of fun. After that we went over to Grandpa J's to talk to him about the bathroom I am redesigning for him. He is actually quite pleased with my choices so far, go figure.

We then make it to the post office and as I always promise my little man, I got him his munchkin before we headed home for lunch and nap. I feed him his usual and as usual he doesnt eat. I then get on the phone with J's Aunt Jill so we can thank her for his great hanukah gift. Jill and I chatted for a little while and during this time I am trying to get J ready for nap. I stick him infront of the TV for after lunch wind down while I prepare his naptime sippy.

I know for a fact that started the cup. I remember putting the spillproof spout in a blue sippy cover and pouring a little bit of juice into the cup. What I dont remember is what happened to the sippy or the juice bottle. I have been searching the house for a half hour and I just conceided to the fact that I just have to be nuts. How do you lose a sippy and a whole bottle of juice?

I had to dig up a new cup and open a new bottle of juice. I better go check the fridge to see if THAT juice bottle is still where I left it and didn't go looking for its long lost cousin.

Can You Hear Me Now?

“What the hell is on your head?”

“They’re my new headphones.”

“More like earmuffs to me.”

“What do you mean?”

“They are ugly and HUGE!”

“But they are wireless and they work great with my iPod.”

“Well, one good thing is that you wont be able to hear everyone saying what a moron you look like while you wear them.”

The Rangers Lost, But I got the Biggest Prize

J woke up this morning in a mood that would have the gods guessing who he was. He usually wakes up around 7:30 and plays with his books and such before he starts wondering where his parental figures are to deal with his hygienic needs. Typically he likes to watch the new additions to his fish tank for a good 10 minutes before I can change him out of his sleeping mess. He calls them ‘nays’ but in our language they are snails. But this morning, this child wanted nothing to do with mommy, clean diapers, music, fish or even his beloved snails. He took one look at me from his crib when I opened the door and started to cry. Then started to whale. This lasted for about an hour and a half. I usually let him call the shots. I’ll take him out of the crib when he asks, not before. I’ll start to undress him and change him as he plays with the various toys and throwable items in his room. Somehow I sneak a diaper onto his bottom before he waters down the fresh clean carpets. Today I couldn’t go near him at all. If I did come even close to him he would cower into the corner or the carpet so I couldn’t go near him and cry harder. You would think I was chasing after him with a hot poker or something.

This poor child woke up from his perfect slumber and found himself in some nightmare that he couldn’t get out of. What in the world could have set him off? That daddy didn’t come and get him. Was he still tired and wanted to go back to sleep? Who knows, but it was quite scary to see and I was so heartbroken to watch him be so upset.

He did make up for being an ogre this morning before bedtime. He always has a way of redeeming himself with me. While watching the Rangers vs. Canucks game he jumped up on me and gave me the biggest bear hug I can get from a 26 pound, 36 inch kid. He would stop and look at me and give me a kiss and do it all over again. I just love that little monster of mine! I just couldn’t get enough hugs. I was on cloud nine.

Handhelds are Out of Control

This is just sad. Our friends that have moved to California are here visiting. The two of them and my husband are all sitting in the living room with me. I am watching one of my DVR’ed shows and the three of them are playing Metroid Prime Pinball over the wireless network on 3 separate Nintendo DS’s. The funny thing is that all three of them are different colors. I’m sitting here trying to watch my beloved Law and Order show, trying to pay attention to Dennis Farina and all I hear is boom, bang, and whooof’s. R is sitting here raving how he should have a DS party where everyone comes over with their DS’s and they play games over the wireless. Too bad not all of our friends own a DS.

What are they going to come up with next? And poor Dennis for not having my full attention.

A Horrible End to a Perfect Day

Why is it that the hardest things to handle happen when you are alone. Tonight R is in Atlantic City for a concert and I have the house to myself and baby J. We had a little excitement here tonight before bed. J had slipped in the bathroom and hit his head. I kept him up to make sure he was ok. He is fine. Started laughing and handing me books within minutes. Then R calls and tells me he doesn’t feel well and missed his concert.

I decided to watch this past Thursday’s episode of ER. What a bad idea to do when I am all by myself. A little girl was shot with a stray bullet. Her mom was in the room with her and she was talking to her daughter. She was telling her that it is ok to let go and to move on to the next ‘place’. That she loves her very much and so on. I just cant write all of it. Fortunately the little girl survived.

I just saw myself with my mom at the end of the first night of Passover this year. The doctors told us that she wasn’t going to make it until the morning. I sat next to her and said {almost} everything this mother said to her daughter. I cried and told her that she should watch us from above. I told her that I would miss her and that I really love her.

It’s amazing how much it hurts to feel the loss. Laurel, you should have warned me not to watch this tonight.

This or That

There is a lot about this holiday season that really doesn’t make any sense to me. This time of the year makes me wonder how sane the human race really is. The decorations go up before we even come close to eating the last slice of sweet potato pie and cranberry sauce. We are expected to buy gifts for everyone we know. But its not just about buying a gift that is thoughtful and meaningful. If you buy a gift for ‘this’ amount of money then the recipient needs to buy one for ‘this’ amount. If the recipient buys a gift for ‘that’ amount, then the other person feels bad and has to compensate by giving a gift for ‘that’ amount as well. But if it’s too late to give ‘that’ amount, then you try to make it up for next year’s holiday and then you make the other person feel bad for not spending ‘that’ amount. And if ‘that’ amount is too small, then you just feel like shit all year.

Where does it end? Why does everything seem to have a dollar amount put on it. This or That, it should be a great and thoughtful gift. Something that the person will look at and say, ‘What a great {insert relationship to giver here} I have.’ Even if it was chocolates, Ill be saying what a great gift it was. I can still see it on my hips!

The Natural Food Chain

I have 3 completely useless cats living in my home. They suck me of money for their food, their litter and sometimes, I swear they are not even worth the free water. Since we have moved back into this house since the fire, we have had a little problem with mice. They seem to like the kitchen and thank god they stay in that vicinity. I am not much of a cooker, so it doesn’t bother me as much as someone who does use their kitchen on a more regular basis. I mean if you want to consider the carrot pancakes, mac & cheese and the grilled cheese I make daily ‘regular’, then be it.

So, again, I have been finding the middle child, Oscar, ‘watching’ the dishwasher for the past few days. At night he would just sit there and stare. The older buddy, Andre, who is a monster in size, walks into the kitchen meowing his big fat head off so whatever Oscar was trying to pay attention to would run away. The third cat, ChoCho, is such a scaredy cat that even a tiny mouse sighting would put him in hiding under the bed for a week.

This has been going on for days. Maybe even weeks. Last time when we saw this behavior we put out traps and caught the little pooper dropper and booted his rodent ass away, shall we say? So now I am stuck here watching Oscar watch the happenings of a little mouse that keeps leaving little pieces of shit in my cabinets. Aren’t cats supposed to catch mice? Isn’t that the way it’s supposed to be? The dog chases the cat, the cat chases the mouse and the mouse eats the cheese? I don’t have any cheese!

Now, take it from years ago when we were living in our apartment, my little buddies would bring me cockroaches at night and leave them on the floor on my side of the bed. What happened to my little mousers? God I hope I never get roaches. Yuck.

Friendly Conversation Amongst Bickering Women

“Am I seeing you this weekend?”

“Saturday, right?”

“Yea, Sunday J has a birthday party and I don’t think you are invited.”

“Oh that's right. Only thing is I have a chest cold virus. I feel OK but I just have a cough. It’s been here for a while. Is it OK for me to come with that?”

“Sure, J has Croup. You can swap.”

“Cool, what do you do for croup?”

“Don’t worry, you wouldn’t get it, your too old.”

“Oh, what are you saying? I’m old?”

“Uh, your not 2 and you do have such soft skin, you have a few extra bags and gray hairs than him, so deal with it.”

“Fine! I’m going to bed.”

My Worst Nightmare

I had an appointment today that I set up for during Baby J’s nap. I put him to sleep and left my husband with him. Usually my biggest fear would be that J would wake up and have made a huge poopie explosion where his clothes, the bed and maybe even the walls would get a taste, just a few minutes after I leave. Then he cries uncontrollably until I get home. No, I think that would be R’s worst fear. Anyway, J went down late because I received a call before I went to put him to sleep. So I expected J to still be sleeping when I got home.

I walk in and where I left my husband, there was no husband. I looked in the living room, kitchen and the computer room and no hubby was to be found. I go to the basement where the lights were on and he hides out mostly. I don’t see hubby and I don’t hear any monitor sounds. I turn to the entertainment side of the basement. My heart sinks. I start to think of the worst thing EVER! I practically run up the 2 flights of stairs but do as quietly as possible. In my mind I am thinking that R left and he took J with him. Or that someone came in and hurt both of them because the front door was unlocked when I walked in. But whatever the scenario, I would never see either of them again. In that very brief moment all I can think of was the grief I would feel if both of them were out of my life. How empty and lost I would feel. How my heart would ache with so much pain. It was horrible!

I turn to our bedroom and I see R lying there snuggled under the blanket. He probaably was hiding a cat or two under there as well. I talked to him briefly and told him I would go downstairs to let him sleep. I grabbed the monitor and sat down with a cookie and let out a sigh of complete relief. Oh thank god what I thought, didn’t happen!

I guess it didn’t help that my appointment was with a bereavement counselor.

Women are Nuts

I think I have come to the conclusion that all women are nuts. You may even put me in that category as well, but that is to be determined. My father was dating a woman for a few months and she recently broke up with him for various reasons that actually make absolutely no sense. She even started to talk to me online and told me all the dangers my father is in for being an eligible bachelor. She would tell me that despite what my father says, he will get married in the future. She told me that the Long Island women will try to go after my fathers money and wont like him for who he is.

This woman is crazy. She knew my father for a few months. I have known my dad for 30 years. The past 10 I would say have been a lot closer than any and this past year we have bonded dearly. I know my father well. I know how well he protects his money. I know how much he hates to spend it and I know he would never put a woman before it. He worked his ass off for 30 somewhat years and would never do anything to sacrifice his earnings.

I knew that something was weird about her when I really got to know her over the Thanksgiving weekend. Every other sentence was about her ex-husband. If it wasn’t about her second ex, it was about her 25 year old son who she compares to my 21-month-old son. She told me about a man that is in her life that is in complete love with her, but she doesn’t love him. She made nasty comments to my cousins’ girlfriend who isn’t Jewish and just threw in her face that she was a gouy. Why would you make a point of that? Where do you get off being so candid the first time you meet this family?

These divorcees have too much baggage. They seem like they are just looking for their next husband and we all know that’s what my father won’t be. He needs a companion. He needs someone who understands. What my dad needs is to find another widow.

First Snow of the Season

It was the first snow of the season last night, but I tell you, I certainly didn’t want to be the first to see it. It started out as a typical night. After J went to sleep R watched the crappy hockey game on the DVR and then I watched a few Law & Orders. We went to sleep early because we wanted to watch Kronk’s New Groove, which is sort of a sequel to the Emperors New Groove. (Awesome and hilarious movie). Anyway, neither one of us could make it half way through, so we shut it off and went to sleep. For the first time in a long time I just conked right out. It would have been a really great night sleep.

J woke up around 2:30 with the worst barking cough I have ever heard. Yup, he has Croup. I went in there to turn on his humidifyer and give him a drink. It turns out he was worse than I thought so I immediately turned on the shower and made R sit in the bathroom with him until I spoke to the doctor. After I spoke to the doc, we took J out for a nice cold drive. We bundled him up, got dressed and got ready to head to the hospital if his weasing didn’t settle. As soon as we walked outside we noticed it started to snow. It was the first snow of this winter season. How beautiful but its really not something I want to be awake for at 3:30 in the morning.

Our ride consisted of a stop at White Castle. I felt like a pothead with a major craving. Well, R had the craving. I am glad we beat the 4:20 rush, though. How can you eat that stuff at 4am? My other question is, how can you eat that stuff at all. Just the thought of it makes me queasy.

We got home around 4:15 and it took us until 5 to get J to actually go to sleep. His weasing was gone, but I was still having concerns. We took him to the doctor this morning and he said he is fine. He just has Croup. Gave me a prescription to help with the barking cough and J has been acting normal all day. Just a cough and a super long nap that was about 3 ½ hours which R and I took advantage of and slept.

A Little Piece of Heaven

Whenever we go out, Baby J is typically with us if we go to dinner, the mall, whatever. Tonight we had a birthday party for a friend of ours and I couldn’t but think that everyone there pegged me as the typical SAHM. They were all probably thinking that I dress like one, I wear my makeup like one, and mostly that I act like one. I am always asked what’s up and I always say nothing and if I do have something to say it’s about my son. Those without children probably think that I have no life and no sense of self. I even sat and talked to another, less experienced mom, all night telling her stories and such wonderful things to look forward to. And we left at J’s bedtime. What a bummer for all those party-goers, huh?

The one thing about being a mother is that nothing is more important that being one. This one, innocent, perfect little life depends on me for everything he knows. His food, his clean diapers, his kisses for his booboo’s. Everything. It is the most rewarding thing I have ever done is to be a mom. These people who say that they would never become like me don’t know what they are missing. Maybe its not the right time to be a parent, but when it is, its just heaven.

The Best of L&O

Who do we call when WE get raped? –Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola, Law & Order: SVU

If you haven’t figured it out, I am a huge Law & Order fan. I have to watch every episode, even the re-runs, carefully. If R walks in the room to tell me he is going to bed, I will pause it. If I miss one word, I will go back and make sure I know what that word was. Then I would go back some more to make sure I understand it in the right context. I got this quote from this weeks episode of SVU. I think my DVR button is about worn out now. It was just too funny.

Do-Da

The recent discovery of language on Baby J's part has left very little room for his baby talk. Today while I lay in bed hoping for some miracle that he would go back to sleep for another 3 hours instead of calling ‘ma-yee’ or ‘da-yee’ he realized no one was going to get him so soon. Suddenly, I can tell he just sat down and tried to occupy himself. Someone would come, no question, just not at that moment. So I start to hear him babble to himself and then suddenly I hear an almost chanting rhythm. Do-Da Do-Da Do-Da Do-Da. God knows what he was saying but all day this went on. Do-Da Do-Da Do-Da Do-Da. Sitting in his high chair or the car seat, watching TV, Playing with his Weebles or driving his trucks across the furniture and he even spent a good half hour of his naptime with it. Do-Da Do-Da Do-Da Do-Da. Although it is quite fun to listen to and of course its really cute hearing this from is tiny little mouth with all ranges of tones and volumes, it can drive any single person insane.

I am hoping the Do-Da Do-Da Do-Da Do-Da has found its way out of that little busy brain of his.