Where is my sleep

I have yet to have a good nights’ sleep all on my own these days. There are many factors that feed into this never ending peril of my life. First, and probably the most important is that I really don’t feel like going back to my Rheumatologist who will prescribe me with my itty-bitty perfect pill. It’s not a sleep aid or an antidepressant. It’s just a small dosage of a little bit of heaven. I just don’t feel like being poked and prodded and x-rayed and tested and anything else a doctor can do to rule out everything in the book except for my condition. One day I will go, when I get THAT desperate. Maybe I am, I just don’t know it yet.

These are the environmental conditions I have to live with that prevent me from my beauty rest:

1. My husband has taken up the Olympic sport of snoring. In the 13 years that I have known this man, he has never been a snorer. Yea, a little heavy breathing and maybe a snore here and there, but nothing that couldn’t be fixed with a good smack in the head or a shove off the bed.

2. We have a 22-pound cat, Andre, which thinks he is still a kitten. Not only does he think he is the cutest, most adorable thing, he thinks he is small enough to sit above my head on my pillow. So every night when I am about to dose off into my slumber land, he makes himself comfortable at the top of my head. Paws in my face, smooshing my nose or in my ears. His cold wet nose always winds up somewhere very uncomfortable and his whiskers tickle anything they touch. If that isn’t bad enough, his purr is as loud as a lawnmower. Maybe even louder. I am surprised it doesn’t wake baby J sometimes. If the sound of the purr doesn’t keep me awake, the vibrations of my head do.

3. My little 12 pound Oscar likes to sit by my feet but he doesn’t seem to bother me too much. What does bother me is that we now have the worlds’ cutest cat, ChoCho, in the house but he is one bad motherfucker, I’ll tell you! He likes to sit on me or very close to me. If he can’t because one of the other two sweet cats are nearby, he will get his way by hissing and smacking. If that doesn’t work an all out war will be declared on my side of the bed. And if I kick them off the bed or out of the room, the bombs start to drop anywhere else in the house. Sometimes I do hear something break and I actually have to get up to clean it.

4. If ChoCho isn’t threatened by one of the other two cats, he will just climb onto me and start to dig his head into my armpit. That means he wants treats. He will do that until I reach into the drawer and give him the exact amount that he wants.

5. The house is always too warm for me to sleep.

6. R always steals the blankets.

7. R always seems to find his way to the center of the bed and leaves me with about 5 inches of space to sleep in.

8. R steals my body pillow, which has been a sleeping staple for me since I was in college.

9. R decides that 3 am is a great time to get it on. Um, not.

10. I start to think. (This is a bad one) Sometimes Ill be so mad at R for the fight we had while he was sleeping that I wont be able to sleep at all. And of course Ill need to confront him in the morning. You should see his face when this happens. He is like a deer in headlights and you can see in his eyes, ‘What the fuck did I do?’

11. I start to think of mom.

12. I hear noises.

13. I don’t hear noises

14. I have to pee. (You would think that this is an easily fixable dilemma)

15. I’m trying to remember if the alarm is set.

16. Hungry.

17. R’s pager goes off, more than once. It seems to know when I am about to dose off.

18. I hear J stirring.

19. I don’t hear J stirring.

20. Did I mention that R snores?

21. I reminisce of the days when I was an RA in college and I am confronting a room with a police officer and a fellow coworker. The kid comes out of his room wearing nothing but leopard skin leotards. That will keep you awake for days!

22. I remember the perfect comeback to an argument I had 3 weeks ago.

23. I haven’t shaved my legs in a long time and you can almost not tell the difference from my legs and R’s.

24. Trying to decide if I would rather have a boy or a girl as my next child.

25. Trying to decide if I even want another child.

26. Thinking of my next blog entry.